For the past few weeks, I’ve spent most of my time riding back and forth from Mexico-Columbia, Missouri for doctor appointments. Part of this is because the doctors in my hometown have ceased to be active or even conscionable healers; the other part is because I’m preparing via bloodtests, MRIs, etcetera for surgery on a recently discovered Meningioma.
…I don’t feel like talking about the meningioma today; lately it’s all-consuming in my conversations with my peeps, my parents, my siblings-family-and extended family. All I will say is that the surgery is pretty standard; the tumor is the size of a walnut and sits behind my left eye next to the ceratoid artery that runs through that part of my brain – yet directly on my left optic nerve. As long as it has not grown much or moved in the past 5 months I’m straight sailing, re: the surgery. If it has-then it has. It is benign; no cancer and will most likely mildly improve my eyesight in that eye as well as 98.9% eviscerate the skull-vibrating, blindingly painful headaches that I’ve experienced for the past 7-8yrs. Yay!
Back to my weekly road trips to COMO-MO and back….
I’ve never been one for change. I’m a Scorpio, for shit’s sake. We’re as black and white as it gets. Change usually does one of two things for us; turns us on or scares the shit out of us!
Sadly for me, the past two years have been full of some of THE Most tumultuous change I have ever experienced. I won’t rehash, other than to #timeline for you late-comers LOL! So for you cheap seats in the back, brace yourselves for the soap opera that is my life in a nutshell:
- I left what THEN I considered my ‘dream job’ as I decided to file as/become disabled in 2011. This was due to escalation of my symptoms re: a disease I was THEN said to be suffering from; Mitochondrial Myopathy.
- I relocated back to my hometown (in Jan.2010), after giving birth to my son; commuted daily for approximately 3yrs–45mins each way for work.
- My fiancé of 8yrs cheated on me that ONE time too many, immediately after a year long stone-drunk period of depression in 2012. I rehabilitated (& he recommitted) 2013…i had a set back and he found that reason to activate the 21yr-old ‘Plan B’ he’d kept waiting in the wings. Xmas Day found my son & I left alone, but wide awake to say the least!
- Jan.2014 saw me back with my mom for the 1st time in 18yrs. Broke, with a car-full of possessions & nowhere to go I moved my son and I in with Mimi. The rest of that year was spent rehabilitated, repurposed, reinitiated and reenlisted in the land of the living with both feet on the ground!
- Nov.2014 was a month of setbacks. I made the mistake of believing the unchangeable (my Ex!) could change; my Meningioma (brain tumor) was discovered & advised of the day before Thanksgiving.
- Feb.2015 was my true New Year’s eve and day *lolol*! For the last time, I said “Deuces!” to my ex- -and all men, for that matter. I recommitted to the gods of the “Home & Hearth,” for my son’s sake…finally, I got serious about my BIG health decisions and laid out the next 6mths of surgeries, sanity, and general ‘set in stones’ matters for my son and I’s future.
…I don’t write or rehash my situation for attention or pity. I rehash it in words only; I’ve lived this shit and I am DAMNED Proud of myself for making it this far and not completely cracking out. I thank my Mother, My Gods and my MANY friends & family across this globe for this iron will I keep that carries me when I literally just can’t –in anyway, anymore. Knowing that I have to walk my talk and be accountable for it to so many of you that I love out there is the only reason I’m still here in my mind. Sometimes it pays to be stubborn as the illest-willed mule alive, too. 😃 While I was driving home from today’s laundry list of appointments, I couldn’t help but start singing at the top of my lungs to just about any song that came on the radio. I was ECSTATIC, just to be able to look as stupid as I know I looked at that moment in time….doing 85mph down I70, all but screaming the lyrics to “Dirty Deeds” (AC/DC) which then became “The Cowboy Song” (Thin Lizzy) and on-and-on.
We are ALIVE, folks! We can smell the rain, we can get filthy in the mud it makes. Each second of every moment that I drove down that highway, I thought a little less about how much you or i or him/her or those guys are getting cheated –how some supposedly mythological or non-theological JOKE was being played on us all. All I cared about in that moment was the knowledge that you, me, him her and they are Alive in whatever moment we happened to be in; good or bad.
The simplicity of that feeling in that moment put me into an ecstasy that I’ve only felt once before; gods’ struck was what I called it then and will now. In that moment of being, I knew my journey like all others would have a purpose only revealed to me; only meant for me. How could anyone on this earth truly believe that not to be true? How could we have come so far as this group called Humanity, just to lose what matters most –our rightful connection to the Gods? For me in that moment, I’d found connection! No more, no less prompting needed than one second’s breath. That one second – documented and validated simply by the tone made by in a random note from a song –Oh, GODS! What is it that I mean? What in the Hell am I trying to SAY right here and now?! #metaphoricalmadness
…i could spew words big and small until I pass out, but that’s not what I’m trying to convey. And my point IS?
After everything that I’ve been through, to believe my only reward for the battles I’ve won and the scars I’ve earned is a “DIRT NAP” Is Unthinkable, folks.
To disregard the favor I’ve been touched with when needed most, is Unthinkable.
Today was an Ecstatic Day.
Today, was irredeemable; most cherished and so lucky is how *I* feel. How does one go with out knowing the touch of their god(s); to not acknowledge and accept it as bounty, shield or tool? Truly?!
And to think; they used to say the word pagan was used to describe ‘ignorant, simple folk.’ 😏
Until we meet again…