start, don’t stop.

i promised myself; once a day, everyday, particularly mornings. because mornings are when i have my “latest and greatest,” –if you’ve been reading me long enough, you know what that phrase means.  and if you haven’t?  boo-hoo in the fun way, and welcome.

so back to business.  what i meant by that, is that i’m going to start bag on a daily vs. every now and again.  i stretch myself too thin, because i’m nosey as all get out.  i have to be involved in everything and i MEAN. Everything. !!!  so much so, that i end up burning out on whatever ’50 things’ i’m currently doing.  this behavior must stop.  so, back to basics.

i’ve been dreamwalking for almost two weeks now.  (actively lucid is dreaming is the translation for you rubes.  don’t feel bad because you’re a rube, that just means you were unknowing, and now you’re in the know).

it’s good and not good, when i’m active dreaming. my meaning?  i get good messages/experiences as well as bad.  lately it’s been mostly strange with bad mixed in.  i’m summing this up to me ‘silently stressing’ over this, that and the other — no real reason to stress but i do because it’s part of who i am.  i’m a control freak of the top level; i have to have all ten fingers around it, whatever *it* may be or i find myself freaking the frack out.

anyway, last night was the bad. no interactions with MY living or dead; moreso interactions with those who may exist and want to be known.  those are the kind i don’t like, because you never know if that presence means you good.  this presence seemed more a representation of what i could’ve been, would’ve been if i kept out on the road i was on.  it was a representation or entity, if you’d rather, of Anger…maybe Rage, even.  my rage is a scary thing, one i’ve buried deep inside.  when i let it take the wheel i do bad things, stupid things that in the scheme of things only escalate.  that’s no different from anyone or anything…but i know a lot of my treatment has been about unresolved anger.  i have a LOT of unresolved anger. i’m a pissy bitch.  *lol*  it’s because as soon as i burn the place to the ground, i immediately see what i’ve done and feel guilty about it.  a lot of my anger is related to past events that happened so long ago i shouldn’t even care, but i being ME, never let go.  it’s unhealthy, that kind of anger.

you can never truly let go if you keep revisiting the past in relation to current events, and find yourself worked up to a complete and totally encompassing RAGE — you never really let go.

what i’ve had to realize is that i the people involved in those ‘past’ situations have LONG since moved on. it’s no even a blip on their screen. so what possible punishment could my anger bring to them, now?  what possible resolution would i get?  NONE.  i know that.

…so this representation last night…this ‘dark goddess’ made out of fire and blood scared me.  in this dream, i saw everything she could do and would do.  she’d let it take her over, and it burned her ability to feel completely to dust.  she couldn’t feel anymore; she did not care who she hurt yet she cared about hurting certain people to the fullest extent.

not. cool.

i got a taste of her and shut it down.

i’ve never been that.  i’m a lover, never a fighter…okay, wait, YES i know i had my moments but i was never one to start anything yet took great pride in finishing it in my favor. again – something i’ve been working on as i work on issues with anger, old & new.

that’s all i’ve got. it’s a start, one i don’t intend to stop. see you manana. 🙂