the gifts that keep on giving.

Sun and Clouds

it’s been awhile, eh?

last time i wrote, everything was in the middle of falling apart. as i write this, everything is on the cusp of coming together for the first time in a very long time.

i have so much to say!  i don’t know where to start, because some of it’s good, some of it’s bad and some of it’s mehhh.

ok, meh!  *lol*  let’s get it together, now.

i have so many thoughts; routes, passions, pleasures & places i’m trying to go right now.  everything is actually good, right now, very good.  and i’m trying very hard not to do what i always do when things are good — question these things to death, and piece them to pieces.  i am my own worst enemy.  even when i’m happy i’m sad — and i refuse to do that this time.  after all, it took strength to embrace the offers of help; from my therapists, from my parents and sort of from my ex. it took strength to say you’re right and i’m wrong – i’m never wrong, remember?  🙂

it took strength to say goodbye to very deep-seated crutches that i had found myself leaning on for most of my adult life.  it took strength to be open about these things, when most people would never voluntarily admit defeat.

but…i guess i finally believe what everyone always said. i am strong.  i am STRONG.  i have no shame about sharing my strength, and the many examples of me having to exert that strength to finally cut off the philosophical ‘gangrene’ that’s eating away at me.  that philosophical gangrene took the form of people/places/and things that were bad for me — they were killing me — and still, i wouldn’t let go. i mean, when it feel good, do it, right?  and when the bad things feel so good, why the hell would i ever stop?

i learned how to stop, and i learned how to say no (sort of).  really, ,i learned how to avoid the people/places/and things that bring out the need to hurt myself with my favourite weapons (ie. booze, pills, etc).  i learned how not to hurt myself — instead, FAIL Properly — then, to get it out and get on with it. and that’s a mother-loving gift that keeps on giving, y’all. !!!

that said, within 1.5wks, i shall be moving into my new place. MY Place.  for 16+yrs, i’ve never had MY place.  i have my place now. it’s MINE, not “his & mine” but MINE.  i no longer have to share/think about/give up/compromise or consider anyone else but my little son. i’ve never had that.  i went from roommates to romance-‘ates’ to back at my mom’s house, all in a straight line within 16-18yrs after college.  i never had mine, nor the ‘moxie’ to ask for it so i went looking for it in other places & people versus the person and place i was already involved with. this = catastrophic consequences. i’ve now realized that it’s not about me being to strong romantically, for someone else to get involved.  it’s not about me swallowing someone else whole or vice-versa, it’s about me never compromising for once (on the big stuff kids, not everything) — because the right person can flow with that. the wrong person won’t.  and maybe there is no right person, in the end. maybe there’s only me. believe it or not, for the first time in forever i’m ok with that too.  *i* complete me. ME. The Porsha. no one else on this earth ever will, just Me.

that said, another life begins out of my infamous nine lives and the #ninelivesinitiative.

My head is overflowing with ideas; so as not to lose these grandious ideas for written *stuffs* i have repurchased one of my favorite writing tools, a $1 steno pad to write these things down as I go.

in the middle of the hell i’ve climbed out of, my health is on a wavering balance beam.  i just got over my fourth bout in a four year period, of shingles.  i HATE the shingles.  this time was worse than the time before; i have very obvious keloid scarring on the inside of my right arm and over my heart on my chest. So Gross…yet, another sign that there are battles still being waged and won around me physically — and mentally.  all the mental causes the physical; when i’m not in the right state of mind my body begins to reflect that.  it’s the nature of this disease i carry, that ‘The Man’ wants to insists i don’t.  invisible diseases suck; autoimmune diseases suck, and diseases with a million different variables yet no cure suck.  MITO Sucks. i’m still fighting MITO and for disability benefits due to my MITO — i was denied yet again during my disability appeal last month.  so i’m finally getting a lawyer, though i’ve done the lawyer’s work for them whomever they are — they’ll have it easy, and get paid for using my work. while i’m pissed about that, if that’s what it’s going to take then that’s what it’s going to take, because i’m too emotional to win. i make them nervous with all my grandiose emoting yet piss them off because i’m proving my point with the law & and making them feel bad about their bullshit preventing me from access to my own money.  i’ve worked since i was 12yrs old; didn’t start receiving pay until i was 14yrs old.  those disability funds are my blood, sweat and tears and i paid in in the event something happened.  well…Something Happened!  *lol*  so give me my money, you greedy f*cks!

anyway, that is my personal blog update.  later on comes my ‘professional’ blog update; ie. the poetry written on crinkled pieces of paper these past few months, and the articles too.  i’ve had some serious opinions on all things pagan, all things terrorism and all things, like, ALL.  i need to share them. some of them are mad, because i was out of my mind when i wrote them.  but i’m still going to share them…because ‘madness’ too, is a gift that keeps on giving.

until we meet again,

luv and sloppy kisses,

~PW

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