starting over.

ImageLately, I’ve had more bile than beauty to spew in regards to my life and my needs in my relationship with the gods. I’ve realized though that in starting my life over and letting things go,I have to give voice to the TRUTHS that set me free. Truths being…no one has ever hurt me, nor ever will like my son’s father did. I wanted 2 children; I was blessed with one though Mitochondrial Myopathy, severe endometriosis and the resulting LAVH (full laproscopic hysterectomy) saw to it that I wouldn’t even have a chance to try for a second child ever again. Unfortunately for me, part of that truth is that my son’s father chose to do the cruelest thing that anyone could have done to me — after moving in with his “Plan B” and her friends he promptly impregnated immediately.  She’s barely 8wks, from what I’ve been told.  Knowing that I’d just went through a full hysterectomy, had to leave my rental home of 4yrs because he had been paying the rent (I’m in the middle of a disability suit)…was destroyed that I could no longer even have the possibility of children, this f*ck knocks-up another girl. Cruelty, at it’s most pointed and perfected. More truth? I made a mistake. I’d emailed/sext’d my ex. He told me we could work it out, yet TRUTHFULLY under this guise he worked on stockpiling his monies$$$ and making plans with this other girl. If I hadn’t went digging, I’d had never found out. Even more truth?  My father had seen him on one occasion, leaving the bar either with this girl or previously with another unknown Mexican lady. So this girl wasn’t the first time he’d dipped out on me — though I was already aware of three times in the past that I’d forgiven him for. TRUTH…  $200 a month is what this child, this boy who fathered my son has decided I should live on.  Mind you, he’s had over 2 months to find a place to live and he has not.  Mind you, he kept over 1/2 of our yearly tax return and promised me $2200.00, yet gave me $2000.00.  Mind you, he got paid the same week that we got our tax return, but he needed to have that extra $200 — he couldn’t provide that to me even though I’d paid $1500 down towards my dental work to be done in the next month, and gave the remainder to my mother to pay her back what was owed and my father and my brother.  Of course truth, he had to have those new pairs of shoes, and sunglasses, and clothes…and floss out with his new “baby mama” while not even finding the time to say “Happy Valentines Day” to his son. Last truth…?  The cheap, trifling bastard has cancelled more oft than not on his son, due to a hangover or being sick with the flu or whatever.  When he does see his son, it’s for about an hour at the local diner.  But he’s daddy of the fucking year. TRUTH…I have to let all this go.  I have to.  It’s killing me from he inside-out.  #truth?  This boy that has the nerve to call himself a man is a stranger to me.  I spent 8yrs with him, only to find out how much of a selfish, self-centered lying bastard he really is.  He called himself the LION, but acts more like a Hyena, picking up scraps from the ground.  But the truth is, I have to let this go because he’s another broad’s problem now.  Now, I’m better off.  And when the newness of what he’s started with this little girl who got herself knocked up quick as cake wears off, it’ll be shitty diapers-bottles @3am-formula vs. food and who’s turn is it to get up with the baby..or do homework with HER 3yr old?  And that’s when she’ll find out what she’s got… …someone who can’t be bothered with the hard stuff.  Someone who’s more concerned with what he’s wearing and what he looks like, than if he’s got food in the fridge or if his child has shoes without holes in them. ~LE SIGH~ That felt GOOD.  SO Good. It came to me in a dream — get it out, said Sekhmet.  Get it out NOW, before you’re eaten alive. And now I’m naked, stripped bare as the day I was born.

I give the following lines in thankfulness to my patron Sekhmet:

‘One evening I went into Her shrine with a heavy heart. I knelt at Her feet and stretched my arms and hands out to touch Her. The color red swept over me, and I felt the ancient vision and all that is Sekhmet.  My tears flowed like water at Her feet as She opened both her heart and mine. ‘”Give to me all that stands as an obstacle on your path,” She said, “and I will burn it away with white and red flame. Now come to me my child, let me embrace you in my loving arms. Go unto the world as the compassionate heart that your are; carry always the seed of the warrior that you can be.”‘ After a while my tears subsided and grateful honoring was left in their place.  The true heart can know the gentle nurturing of Sekhmet. The false ego may call down Her wrath. 

The symbol of transformation.

Sekhmet.

Sa Sekhem Sahu.’ 

{“Heart of the Sun: An Anthology in Exaltation of Sekhmet” edited by Candace C. Kant & Anne Key, pgs. 67-68}

I deserved better of an end, if an end was what was inevitable.  I deserved honesty and straight-forward, hard truth but instead this person hid behind the guise of reconciling in order to buy some time to save monies$$$ for his exit.  He started and built a relationship with a 21yr old girl, vs. having the balls to talk to me and tell me why it had to be over.  He planned his exit and would’ve been successful if I hadn’t had dug.

It’s the reason,in the end, as to why I am seeking full rights to my son. There’s nothing his father can teach him about being a man when he’s not one himself. His values and priorities revolve around what he wants; he’s the very definition of selfish & self-centered. So he can continue putting his “replacement family” first…he can have them fully and completely–but he’s lost out completely on me & my son from here on out. But that said…

…I can do nothing but THANK Him.

You heard me right, I said thank him.  I thank him for teaching me the toughest lessons in life I had to learn.

‘As I flew away from Eden and its now forbidden trees, I understood my particular curse. I had inhabited The Garden and now it was a place to which I could never return. I had fled to my cave and found happiness, but now that happiness was soured by memory. I could not repeat my initial departure. I had to go somewhere new and remake myself.’ — {The Lost Book of Lilith by Rachel S. Havrelock //http://www.lilithinstitute.com/creations/lostbook.html}

In parting, I leave the aforementioned quote from a story written for the website “The Lilith Institute.”

I’ve always been an admirer, and philosopher on the real identity of one of the most controversial women in antiquity; Lilith.  Strong women figures, especially in that time, were looked down upon and smothered in false mythos in order to destroy any possibility of a future– my humble opinion.

…I want to be a stronger woman than I have been in the past 8yrs.

I’m always hearing from my closest friends how strong I am, and how true to myself I’ve always been.  But in the past 8yrs, I’ve let them down by trying to be what my son’s father wanted me to be.  You shouldn’t have to change who you are, how you behave or what you think in order to be in love.  That is the most ***core*** lesson of love. And I won’t forget, ever again.

This is the last time I’ll bring up what has happened on this blog.  Time to move forward, and rejoice in the GOOD that has come from this situation!

That said…I’m going to start training one-on-one with an FOI/Priestess of Isis this week. I’m going to start my lessons, and in doing so devote myself deeper to Isis, Aset, Bast, and Sekhmet…those patrons who called me home and whom I intend to serve with all I am for the rest of my life. I plan on studying the mystery of the Dark Mother, my patron of knowledge Lilith. I plan on finishing that ‘great American novella’ I so long ago started. Lastly, I plan on devoting my time to raising my son — who will finally have my FULL attention vs. his fighting for it over his father’s needs and wants. I’ll be reflecting as my new future starts, via this blog.  Welcome Back!

Until we meet again, Brightest Blessings…

~Porsha