Needs and wants have been on my mind tonight.
I know it’s the season for giving gratitude, but I’m selfless 364 days of the year. Tonight, I’m going to be selfish. Tonight, I’m going to ignore the required to heed the desired.
Will I EVER be desired again? Will anyone, EVER, want ME again? Will I ever be loved again? Will someone actually love me as much as they LOVE ME—Physically? Will they love me enough to not hurt me…or maybe at least pre-warn me before they do? See, I am just SO damned tired of singing that same old crusty damned love song. I want the kind of love that can become a partnership to last throughout all of time. I enjoy the fire; I crave the romance & desire but it won’t last—it never does. Common courtesy and mutual respect go so much further with me. I don’t want to be ruled or rule over anyone.
But these are just dreams, I’ve come to realize. Everyone who says they love me, hurts me mortally in some way eventually. Sadly for me, I always forgive no matter what, when or how many times because my heart’s too big. I care for life, even if I no longer love. Sadly, I knowingly allow myself to be used because i can’t stand hurting anyone. But I’m not infallible. I hurt people too. I wrong people too. But more often than not, whether they hurt me or i hurt them—I’m the one that’s disposable. In the end, I get thrown away.
Knowing that and all the other lessons learned from love I know that this last time truly was the last time. What’s left of my ability to love will see me and my son through the hard times. The fairytale, for me, is finished. I’ve realized tonight that in voicing what it is that I DO want, I’ve finally been able to give REAL gratitude at the time of year when it’s MOST Due—Gratitude to those that have taught me these harshest of lessons. I thank them for reminding me this very night, yet again, that in the end I will be walking alone but with Knowledge gained that wouldn’t have come without the part they played. While it hurts…you’ve received a “small blessing” of new knowledge…and the “tiny miracle” of living through it, to come out a more complete version of yourself.
That’s my story, anyway…and I’m sticking to it! Until we meet again…