…i’m kind of at a place, where i’m recommitting myself to certain personal truths, values, and paths. i guess i could say that i consider this my first TRUE Pagan-themed post on my own blog, in some time.
i’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be not only a pagan, but a black female pagan. i’ve been questioning my own origins of faith, not just from my transition into paganism but also from the very beginning – when i was baptised Christian.
since i was very, very little i have believed in the unseen and unknown. horror movies fascinated me to the point where i couldn’t stop watching them, even tho they were about to scar me for life. this is all tied into my father, and his philosophy of tears being ‘worthless’ because they resolve nothing (more on that in a minute). i felt things when i was alone. i preferred being alone, and still do.
certain buildings, or houses, or areas of land thrummed with hidden energy for me. i didn’t question it or seek an explanation. i just KNEW that whatever it was that i thought was there, was there. it didn’t need to manifest itself to me. it never has (except on a few occasions where i was VERY drunk and wide-open for the taking!) my faith is built on the knowledge that i don’t have to see it, to know it is there.
as i grew up and spent time in my hometown’s church, i’d spend a LOT of time reading Genesis and Revelations only. I’ve read them both from start to finish. i watched people walk to the altar, and confess their sins in public and cry and wish to be reborn. i watched babies baptized. i watched the elderly pray with their last breath, and i watched hypocrites take up all the air in the room with their neverending breath. i consumed all of this withouth question, because again there was that ‘energy,’ that thrum that let me know “I’m here.” i took that belief with me as i moved on to college.
college…college was a godless time, and i’m not ashamed to admit that. the darker side of life that had been forcibly removed from my existence, was all around me for the sampling. and how i loved it. i. LOVED. it. i loved the pleasure of drugs and alcohol, and sex…i loved Pleasure. i lived for it. and that energy, i came to found, was firmly shut off from me for the first time in my life. it was shut off because i was so in love with myself at the time, and everything going on around me that i couldn’t find it in myself to stop pursuing purely pleasure. nothing and no one else mattered other than the feelings i felt at that moment in time – the desires i needed to fulfill. living like that, living for yourself only — in my humble opinion – is the route to true godlessness and athiesm. it’s the way to disconnect yourself from everything that matters. and at that time, i was a true believer in nothing but the ‘now.’
after the birth of my son, i found myself set firmly back on track. i knew love beyond the love of self, and it was in my son and his father. while i wanted to reconnect with my church, i was hesitant because i didn’t feel the sense of family there that i think i needed to have at that time. a lot was changing after the birth of my sons – from friendships being lost and reformed, to job promotions and job changes to a change of residence. *i* was changing, due to the slowly developing muscle disease and cellular order known as Mitochondrial Myopathy (www.umdf.org). i was finding the need to cut out the nonsense, and find a link to what was real. i was fighting with myself most importantly – between this hardcore persona bore of my college years, vs. returning to who i really was without becoming the shy voiceless creature i had been before.
it was during a particularly low period in my life – when my son’s father and i had fallen out — that i found renewed faith in the invisible energy that had always been with me to some degree. i was feeling honestly, as if i couldn’t go on. i won’t go into the particular dreams that renewed my faith in the invisible. all i will say is the energy finally had a gender, and it was decidedly FEMALE. since then, every decision or action that i’ve taken that reflects that energy has been a HER; female.
SHE has been here all along. SHE gets the fact that i’m a hot mess, and is both amused and angered by it. but her lessons don’t come with fire and brimstone. they come with Karma renewed or repaid. SHE refuses to let me continue on the wrong path. HER subtle reminders, within an occurance or a sign sent, show me the two paths that my action or intent could lead to, so that i can chose clearly knowing what will come.
SHE is practical, she’s common sense. I can buy every book i see, every statue i like, burn every candle i’ve got — but when it comes down to it, making the right decisions are repayment to her. making a conscious decision is what she wants from me. creating is what she wants from me. staying true to the path i pick, is what she wants from me. loving and protecting my family, is what she wants from me.
everyday, the aforementioned is hard. it’s hard because i am a black female, raised in a smalltown and a christian church. many people have hard formed, misinformed smalltown opinions on what one should and shouldn’t be. standing firm is what i’ve learned the most as i go into year 3 of being a solitary eclectic pagan, studying the Hellenic and Kemetic faiths. as i live and learn, my only hope is to find peace within myself with every choice i make – and thank SHE that is responsible for that as properly as i can. until we meet again…