blood in, blood out.

i just had to comment on a Law & Order: SVU that i’m watching right now. a woman, who has a debilitating kidney disease wants to kill herself…but starts a website instead for people with debilitating diseases and/or terminal diseases, to help them find humane, quick and painless ways to kill themselves. she herself wants to kill herself, because her kidney failure and it’s remedies are so very painful that she doesn’t go one day without excrutiating Pain.

Pain.  Hmmmph.

it’s a hot topic, euthanasia. many people would say it’s no one’s business whether a person wants to kill themselves or not. 

others say that you should stick it out and be happy you’re still here – why whine?

then there are those of us who are ambivalent – we care but we don’t. those like me, who are just happy to see the beauty in a bee pollenating a flower. those of us who are simply happy to exist another day so that we can learn something new. those of us who day in, day out find ourselves either tolerable or in Excrutiating, Mind-Numbing Debilitating PAIN—but we’re still of the mind that it’s better than taking an early dirt-nap until the apocalypse comes, whenever that’s supposed to happen.

i’m the aforementioned.

every day, i wake up with the term ‘FML’ on my lips – but it’s a generalization, because i’m simply NOT a morning person. everyday, i have to wake up and judge what type of day i’m going to have – how am i going to feel today, and where am i going to put my energy to use?  will i clean my house? will i fold laundry? do i even have it in me to take a shower today? or is this bullshit all in my head, and do i just become my father’s daughter for the day and say “I Can, and I Bloody WILL, Bitches!!!”

i’m a firm believer in people doing what they want to do, so if you want to off yourself – YOURSELF, not others – by your own hand, then have at it. but realize the mess you leave behind for others to clean up. it’s the sole reason i DON’T agree with euthanasia completely. so i’ll continue to do me, pain or no pain. FUCK Pain… Up the bumbum with no grease. I refuse to let it rule me, hard as that may be sometimes, i refuse to wallow (even tho i am PHENOMENALLY GOOD at wallowing).

i refuse to surround myself with negative people, who vampirically SUCK the energy from my very marrow – me, who needs the energy more than anyone else out there. i refuse. any problem we have, most likely, is somewhat of our making — even the ones we say to ourselves couldn’t be avoided.

so pick yourself by the boot straps, shut the FUG UP, and get on with your day. stop whining about what you don’t have and what you want. go get it or shuddup about it. make a decision, for goddess’ sake. DECIDE, and move forward with your life. stop waiting for others to take action for you.

i want something? i take it, and i don’t care if i have to hustle and grind my way into an early grave or a bonafide spot in HELL to get it. when it comes to my friends and family, this Lioness will tear you apart – plain and simple — if you get in her way. 

THAT’s the face that i show pain. THAT is the face that i bear when i feel i can’t take one more step forward. THAT is the light I show to the darkness, when it threatens to consume me whole. 

i simply refuse to let it eat me alive. i refuse. this is for all the other soldiers out there, living with MITO or any other disease that causes you excrutiating, soul-baring, debilitating,  Pain and lack of energy, because of that pain.  this is for the people that FIGHT, so that they can enjoy the life that they work so hard for, vs. those that just sit back and let things HAPPEN to them. this is for those that seek knowledge beyond what they’ve been told, or what they just happen to know. this is for those that put in WORK, one way or another, to take care of their families each and everyday vs. waiting on another person or the government to do it for them.

…keep on truckin’.