Old Doors Closing, New Ones Opening

talking to a newfound friend today, i came to the realization that my life up until now truly has been in chapters, and can be summed up by certain phrases or Mantras.

my 30s has absolutely become my lifelong personal mantra, of “Walk Softly and Carry a Big Stick.”  Meaning…i’ve learned to quiet the lioness within, there’s no reason to rage as often and as hard as i do.

when in my 20s, i was definitely “Ms. Rager,” a’la Kid Cudi.  i was wild, i was insane, i was mad with the full immersion of my patron God, Dionysos.  i was a willing acolyte, a maened in her PRIME; wants overpowered my needs by miles and scores.  i had to have what i had to have – and if it hurt me or someone else along the way, so be it!  my love of sex, drugs and rock’n’roll became so overwhelming that it nearly consumed me. i was power-drunk on my own sexual prowess, wasted on as much alcohol and cocaine as i could possibly consume.

what’s even worse? i prided myself on the appearance created from drugs, alcohol and cigarettes.  a friend immortalized me in paint, via a portrait she painted of me smoking in the dark.  this one photo immortalizes a moment in time that actually sums up ages 20-28, for me.  back then, i’d have taken a cigarette over a sandwich.  i was connected to wind and fire, disconnected from my basest self of who IS earth and water.

prior to that? birth to age 19yrs?  i was meek, like a lamb.  scared of my own shadow.  my father was like Ra, he was my sun. i broke myself, trying to be what he needed me to be. my mother was like Nut, stretched out in the sky, encompassing me with her arms — but at the same time, strangling me in her grip. strangling my creativity, holding me from growth and hiding me from the eyes of the world. she molded me into the image of herself on the outside, while inside raged the fires of the sun itself, via my father.

with his weekend comes Mabon, and with Mabon comes the autumn equinox – major times of change.

i’m not one to be scared of change, yet always ever curious of it.   i’m also not so prideful to say that leaving a job of 10yrs without a new job set in place is bold, brave but possibly dumb as hell.  but i also don’t believe in doing a disservice to a previous employer, by staying when your health cannot sustain your dependability without question.  i’m always ever a mover and shaker.  and if i’m not inclined to “move and shake” in a situation, then I’m not staying.  Period.

so with this i say, “Blessed Be, by the Goddess thru Me!” to all my brothers and sisters on the Pagan path, regardless of your path being similar to mine or a Celtic/Wiccan path.  i say, “Love & Light” to those outside the aforementioned circle…may you all find your path as I finally have, after all these years of change.

Love & Light on this Mabon holiday weekend,